Freaking out in a great way right now.
It’s the little things, like realizing your bathroom will have heat in the winter, or has outlets near the sink. That there’s a real yard. A washer, dryer, dishwasher. That I can actually comfortably fit all of my furniture in my room for the first time ever. That I can have the sprawling multi-desk setup I’ve wanted for awhile. That there’s a tv. And a porch. Friendly roommates who are into the same kinds of shows and music and games. I came home last night to them watching FMA and they gave me some of their Oreo pie/cheesecake. BEST FIRST NIGHT.
I thought I’d miss having a place of my own, but this…. Is awesome. On a nuts and bolts level, I’m getting to live in an awesome place because we can all pool resources- I’m saving $236 a month for a NICE HOUSE- but on a touchy-feely level, this place feels like a home. I’m not going to feel lonely because these guys want to do things as a group- and even if they’re not free, there’s rabbitsss.
Sorry I’ve been so doom and gloom. I was worried I was taking a step back, but this is a huge step forward.
Mom will sometimes post old pictures of us all on facebook, and when I’m in a funk like right now, I can’t help but think terrible things like-
"When did it go wrong?"
We all looked so genuinely happy. I didn’t bear grudges against anyone then. I was just a naive 8 year old kid happy to be with her daddy and sister and mom. I didn’t understand anything about what would make me sad. But I guess nearly two decades does that.
I know I haven’t lost what makes me a warm and happy person. I’ve just changed a bit. There’s ugliness too now, and I don’t want to keep wearing smiles that cover up that ugliness all the time. It’s made me feel like a liar.
But even if I’m not always smiling on the inside in the photos I take, I know that genuine happiness comes through eventually, even if it isn’t documented. Even if it’s for the most fleeting of moments, I still know how to have a good time and appreciate what I have. I won’t let go of that feeling.
I keep getting déjà vu and it’s freaking me out. I keep waking up from weird dreams even though I’m sleeping enough. I keep feeling demotivated and irrationally upset about things that don’t matter, even though now is literally the worst time for it. Brain, shut up. Just stopppppp
When people knock on the door and you’re just chilling around naked because it’s hot out. :/