Just when I start actually getting along with my housemate, she sends me a text - while we’re both in the house - to tell me I need to mow the lawn and also recommend a therapist. I haven’t said jack shit to her about my issues, so I’m guessing me falling asleep on the couch a few times or them seeing me occasionally drunk and upset prompted this??? I’m just like “what the fuck did I do.” I never give her any shit for all of HER weird behavior, so… I don’t know.
I told her she could knock and ask me, asked if I’d freaked anyone out, and said that I am in therapy, and handling it. Even if poorly. I just love how nobody fucking asked me what I’m doing and jumped to ‘get help’ when HAHAHAHAHHA.
Fuck this whole thing.
Suddenly realized I’m going to have to do a lot more research on the rise of conservatism and evangelical Christianity for my story… But I’ll also get to do research black metal, and a shit ton of other things, so I think it’ll even out….
It’s really starting to sink in that I’ve lost my therapist.
The new lady doesn’t know what helps as much, she can only guess. I’m having to start over after 2 years of work.
The one person who could help me problem solve and find the right solutions without burdening them, because it was her job, is gone. Friends have moved and gone. Some outright don’t want to see me at all.
I miss everything I once had so much.
Lines keep getting drawn in the sand between others and myself, and walls get built to reinforce them. All I want to do be able to hold someone’s hand when I manage to fight my way out of my own prison of bullshit. But I fear I’m always going to be locked out, on the other side of the door from everyone else’s lives, watching their happiness or pain from afar. Even when my door is wide open.
No disrespect to the people who call, or talk to me through the window - I love you for caring, and trying to connect. But I’m ultimately some drifter, with nothing and no one to come home to- and I feel like everyone can smell the stink of loneliness on me. I don’t want to just beg and take and take and take.
I want to be awesome, and I want to make people’s days brighter, but I worry I’m failing you all, and myself. I’m trying to make my little mental shack into a home, so it’s at least nice to come back to. I’m fighting so hard to enjoy the wandering. But I’m just afraid of always having to wander alone.
It reminds me of Evangelion. Where’s third impact when you need it.
reachnerdisms replied to your quote“Yeah well fuck you man, I’m awesome, I’m gonna go off and be a raging…”
Someone being shitty?
Life’s too short to be shitty to myself to boot, so heeeeyooo. Time to be a boss ass bitch.
Yeah well fuck you man, I’m awesome, I’m gonna go off and be a raging queer practicing magic and listening to bad music, kbye
my motivational thoughts for the day. (╯◉□◉)╯︵ ┻━┻
EDIT: AND I’M GONNA LOOK RAD AS FUCK DOING IT.
Babby’s choking on her liquor
fuck my life
I’m such a disappointment to myself and to everyone else
I’m so sorry
was I born this way?
fuck this whole thing
I’m a doomed human being sometimes, I think
I was raised by addicts
I’m doomed to become one, and to understand them
I’m in the shunned caste
maybe in my next life
I’ll transcend this bullshit.
I had a dream yesterday, where a friend gave me back a purse that I had given to them some time in the past for safekeeping, and when I opened it up and looked at the contents, I started crying. I had been fine without it, but when I got it back, I realized that there had been something deeply important missing. I was sitting on the floor while they sat on the couch patiently, and I was sobbing because I felt whole again.
I wish I could remember what friend it was, and what the contents were, but the memory is lost. The person was someone very close, though.
I don’t know if it’s just because I was drawing old characters last night, or if it’s my mood feeling better, or loneliness… Maybe just pretty indicative of my life right now in general.
I need to find what I’ve been living without, and become whole again. Or maybe I’m already doing just that.